The BIG C...

So… I try not to talk too much about my breast cancer and losing a body part to an insidious disease that could have killed me. I was very lucky that it was caught before it spread, and that I did NOT have to go through hair destroying, puke your guts out, chemo. So far, the worst thing about this is not being able to wear clothes that are meant to show cleavage. Now I have only one cleave. It doesn’t make me list to one side, but the fake boob I have to wear is heavy and has to be adjusted occasionally so I don’t look lopsided. (I don’t wear it too often ‘cause it’s really hot and uncomfortable.) Anyway, about 2 weeks ago, I was thinking about what I might have missed if I had died from this. (BTW - I don’t mind dying, but I do mind “dying badly”. All that drama! Yuck!) I also didn’t care to have one of those Eureka or A’HA moments. You know, the instant you realize the trajectory of your life has been interrupted in a huge way by something you cannot control. I wanted to continue with the plan my husband and I formulated several years ago. The plan was this: I would work till I was old enough to retire and my husband and I could then move to Central America or some other exotic destination where we would enjoy doing something other than shop and drink and eat. We both love El Salvador, its people, the scenery, climate, etc. This nasty little medical interruption would just have to be figured in to our plan. It would need to be altered by an additional five years. That’s the amount of time my doctors say I need to be free of the nasty little buggers before I could be declared cancer free! Anyway, I was sitting alone one evening after my first A’HA moment, having my private little pity party (which I hate but it gives me a format in which I can explore my true emotional state). I wondered, why am I thinking about this crazy stuff? What about the plans I so carefully crafted for my future, my retirement? I realized my timetable now was beginning to feel like a benign trap. “What ifs” began creeping in. What if it (my cancer) comes back, what if I get hit by a bus, what if I win a million dollars, what if nothing good or bad happens at all? I remembered a poem by Richard Lovelace called To Althea from Prison. A famous line near the end goes, “Stone walls do not a prison make, Nor iron bars a cage;…” He was talking about love. But I always take things out of context to suit my mood. So now the poem could also illustrate the cage my thoughts were creating for me. Stone and iron thoughts, keeping me stuck in an extended plan. What to do??? Soon I got it!!! Another Eureka! If I had never had to deal with any of this, I would have gone on with my life and my plan. So the only thing that has changed (for now) is the 5 years added onto the plan. I could get hit by a bus, or not. Until I know for sure that my days are numbered (and possibly how many days I have left), why should I give up on my plan? I once heard this pearl… “If you know your future, you don’t have one.” I really don’t know what will happen, I can only stress and worry about the unknown. What a waste of time! Now, I am reasonably sure I can look forward to my retirement in another 3 years. That gives me 3 years to research our relocation to Central America or someplace else we might like better. I have 3 years to save more money and get rid of the junk I don’t need. What a relief. I’ll still have those days when my brain will do that little dance, and my heart will leap out of my chest when I think about my future. Bringing my brain and my heart back into rhythm so I can move forward shouldn’t take too long if I remember that life is a crapshoot and I’m a moving target.