I thought I was the crazy one!

There is some debate as to whether narcissists are made or born. Certainly family dynamics can have a profound effect on personality. I am sure there are many personality disorders that are the result of dysfunctional family interaction, abuse, emotional unavailability of a parent, and more. However you want to slice or dice the reasons, narcissistic personality disorder can be very destructive to every member of the family to which the narcissist belongs.

My own family has been split by the narcissistic personality of my youngest brother, who is also gay, asthmatic, and the middle child of five siblings. (I mention his sexual preference only for information and not as a part of the disorder.) After my father died my brother preyed on the most emotionally fragile members of my family, my mother and my eldest brother. My mother supports him emotionally and financially. He had a brief stint as a schoolteacher but has not worked for about 30 years. He blames his inability to get a job on everyone and everything from his racist point of view, his political point of view, and his economic point of view. The world owes him a living and no one recognizes the superlative talents he has because they are inferior beings with lower IQs.

Today my two sisters and I have nothing to do with my mother and two brothers out of pure self-preservation for our selves and for our families. It’s as though two separate families were created from one because of my brother’s narcissism. He seems to hate the fact that my sisters and I stay away because to him it means he has failed to control three family members. This damages his view that he is omnipotent and calls into question his superlative talents. My eldest brother chooses to go along because he is close to my mother and she has made it clear that she supports my younger brother’s narcissistic attitudes and employment choices completely. Keeping a great distance from them is necessary for sanity and survival.

Definition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder By Mayo Clinic staff: “Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”

The following are some common traits of narcissists presented by the Mayo Clinic staff:
• An inability to listen to others, and a lack of awareness of another person’s deadlines, time frames, or interests.
• An inability to admit wrongdoing, even sometimes when presented with evidence of their ‘wrong’ behavior.
• Coldness or overly practical responses to interpersonal relationships, a sense of distance or matter-of-factness emotionally.
• Can be prone to severe bouts of anger.
• Has the ability to write friends off forever, over one perceived or actual transgression.
• Pride in the accomplishments of children if they have them, often combined with an overly developed desire for control over their directions and activities. An above average interest in social class and importance may be seen.

Narcissistic personalities are amongst the hardest patients for psychiatrists to treat…in short, it stems from an unshakable belief that they can do no wrong.

Most narcissists are men (about 75%). This begs the question, are men who abuse their wives and/or children narcissists, possibly sadistic narcissists? By having a family they have a built-in audience to satisfy their need for admiration even if they coerced or intimidated their families in order to have it. I have met a few female narcissists and their symptoms can be equally damaging to all family members especially sons.

I thought I was the crazy one! I made my escape from the narcissistic web. It took a long time. The threads are tight and deftly woven by the narcissist and his unwitting allies to make you believe you are nuts. Your love of your family is their hook to keep you stuck. When you finally make your escape the battle for your psychological soul isn’t over for the narcissist. They will try to suck you back in. There will be letters, emails, and other correspondence, cajoling, berating, brow beating you, deriding your decision, calling you names and questioning your sanity. Delete the emails, trash the letters, get a restraining order and let others know you don’t want this person in your life. There is no cure for a person with narcissistic personality disorder. You are not crazy!!!